The key to inner peace and happiness is “emotional sobriety,” according to Chabad-Lubavitch Rabbi Shais Taub, and you don’t need a drinking problem in order to achieve it. The renowned author, speaker and Torah scholar contends that the way to live a relatively tranquil life is through a spiritual process based on the ability to let go of the uncontrollable.
Taub recently shared his inspirational views in a presentation entitled, “Emotional Sobriety: How to Remain Reasonably Happy and Calm While People Around You are Acting Insane.”
Held at The Shul in West Bloomfield, Mich., the program commemorated the first anniversary of the passing of 37-year-old Steven Beale, a fixture of the local Jewish community whose untimely demise stunned those who knew him. Steven’s parents, Gail and Jerry Beale, joined The Shul and the Daniel B. Sobel Friendship House – which provides Jewish recovery and support programs for individuals and families struggling with addiction and other isolating conditions – in sponsoring the event.
The Beales said they wanted to take the tragedy of their son’s passing and turn it into something positive for the community that supported them during what they described as “the most challenging year of our family’s life.”
“The love and passion of the people here touched our hearts,” said Jerry Beale.
Taub, who has extensive experience in the field of addiction treatment, believes that many of the same principles used to help recovering addicts apply to the general population as well.
“We’re not all addicts, but we’re all a little bit neurotic,” he said.
He defined neurosis as an “investment of emotional energy that is not going to pay off,” such as pursuing a relationship with someone who is clearly not interested, or trying to please a boss or a parent who is never satisfied. Taub calls those situations “emotional black holes.” He maintains that while people cannot control the actions and behavior of others, they can choose how to respond.
“When there’s dysfunction in our relationships, it’s emanating from ourselves,” said Taub. “When I try to control the uncontrollable, then I lose my identity.”
He contends that while the stigma of addiction within the Jewish community has lessened considerably in the past several years, there is still significant denial about the family disease of codependency, which he defines as “love with a lack of boundaries.” He characterizes the stereotypical Jewish mother as the ultimate codependent.
“We’re never taught that other people’s happiness is not our responsibility,” said Taub, who lives in Pittsburgh, Pa., with his wife and children. “There are three things I cannot change: the past, the truth, and you. Anytime we try to change one of those things, we’re in pain.”
He also said that genuine love cannot exist without respect – for oneself, for other people, and for G‑d.
“The ‘don’ts’ are not as exciting as the ‘do’s’,” he said. “It’s much harder to respect than to love, in any relationship. G‑d is no exception.”
In his recently published book, God of our Understanding: Jewish Spirituality and Recovery from Addiction, Taub incorporates his knowledge of Jewish teachings with the basic principles of traditional 12 Step recovery programs. He puts forth the premise that addicts turn to substances or other self-destructive behaviors such as gambling or overeating because they are actually seeking a spiritual connection.
Friendship House Director Rabbi Yisrael Pinson, who is currently teaching a class based on Taub’s book, agrees that the approach can be helpful to anyone who is experiencing stress in personal relationships, career situations, or finances.
“You don’t have to be an addict to benefit from the concepts of recovery and spirituality,” said Pinson. “It’s about learning how to live a serene life.”
Gail Beale addressed the audience at The Shul, expressing her thanks for the enormous outpouring of support from community members.
“This year has taken us on a rollercoaster ride, not knowing when the next curve or drop would take place,” she said. “Our emotions have ranged from shock, denial, disbelief, frustration, anger, confusion, and finally, acceptance.”
“We can’t change what happened to our son,” added Jerry Beale, “but we can control who we are and what we can do.”
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