Question:
Recently, my nephew was found dead in his room. We know it was suicide. His father—my sister’s husband and my husband’s brother—was against his choice of fiancée.
We’ve told everyone it was a heart attack—he had heart problems before. My sister is not coping well—she seems to be in denial. Nobody wants to discuss this. Please give me some advice.
Response:
This is not something you can just forget about and get on with life. This is something that must change the course of life, or it will be forever sending life in circles.
Tragedy is an implosion of negative energy, draining away all warmth and light, sucking the spirit out of our lives like a monstrous leech. And yet, we have the power to grab that energy by the reins and turn it around into a power for good—a greater good than any positive energy could have provided.
How do we do that? Certainly not by stewing over our remorse and guilt. Nor by attempting to keep it stuffed under our pillows. But if your nephew’s early demise will lead you to be a more caring person, and your sister to be a more caring mother, then he did not die without meaning.
Really, nothing is without meaning. We believe in one benevolent G‑d who directs all of heaven and earth. If so, we also believe that every event of life is meant to propel us forward. G‑d does not allow tragedy in His world just for the heck of it. Everything must have meaning, just that the meaning can be known only from the final result. That final result is in your hands.
Here is the best therapy for you:
You will become that person. Even if you did not have the capability to do so before, that does not matter. You will channel the horror and guilt over your nephew’s death into your own transformation. And there, all the bitterness will become sweet.
What can you tell your sister? To tell you, I would have to imagine myself as her—and, honestly, I am afraid to even begin to do that. All I can say is that G‑d must have given you much strength to be able to deal with this. Listen to her, listen deeply, and the words will come.
We mourn death because we cherish life. That is why we place a limit to the days of mourning—seven days of intense mourning and one month of remembering, and then life continues, yet higher. We don’t destroy life by mourning the past. We learn from death to count our days as one counts jewels. For the only vantage point from which we can measure their value is from that of the very last one. That is when we will ask, “What did I do with the life G‑d gave me? Was it a worthwhile gift? Was it all worthwhile?”
If you have had thoughts of suicide, please don't hesitate to call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-8255. You can also write to us at Chabad.org/AskTheRabbi.
It is important to say: Love those you love fully when they are alive. There is no more you can do.
When people choose to leave this world prematurely, often it is because they are sick, and they just cannot continue life.
Persons who suicide have often already made a heroic effort to live; and, when they chose to leave, simply feel they cannot make the effort even for another day.
After almost four years trying to save my son's life, March 7th, 2024, he chose to leave our world.
My days are a process of enduring hard suffering like no other death of my lifetime There is no easy way to experience death of a child. Death must pass through your being and be allowed to honestly trigger your being every way; and, you must endure this with patience and clear honestly in order for all things to take their proper place in your mind and soul. Prayer, and little acts of charity help others are things to do to ease the pain.
Heaven is at your feet when you lose a child. My God is with me.