Dr. Haim Ginott answers the 20 questions parents ask most about dealing with their 6-to-12 year olds
I am a child psychotherapist. I treat disturbed children and they improve. What is it that I do that helps? I communicate with them in a unique way. If therapeutic communication can drive sick children sane, its principles and practices belong to parents and teachers. While a therapist can cure, only those in daily communication with children can prevent mental disturbances in children.
HOW TO TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN
Make sure your responses convey caring, not rejection. To the child this difference is fateful. How we talk to him affects his self-esteem, self-worth and self-image.
Our “normal” talk drives children crazy: the blaming and shaming, preaching and moralizing, accusing and guilt-giving, ridiculing and belittling, threatening and bribing, evaluating and labeling. We have to eliminate critical comments that enrage children and block communication: “How many times have I told you…When will you learn…Where in heaven’s name…What’s the matter with you…Didn’t you hear me…Are you deaf…If I’ve told you once…Do you mean to tell me that…”
HOW TO CORRECT YOUR CHILD
Deal with the situation, not the person. Do not attack him, as happened when Larry, 10, broke a glass.
Mother: “What’s the matter with you? How many times do I have to tell you to be more careful?”
Father: “He can’t help it, he is clumsy. He was born that way.”
Such criticism attacks the core of the child’s personality: his self-esteem. A child may believe his parents and assume the role assigned to him “Clumsy” will behave clumsily.
Recommendation: “The glass broke, we need a broom…The milk spilled, we need a mop.”
HOW TO EXPRESS ANGER TO YOUR CHILDREN
When angry, describe what you see, what you feel, what you expect. Say nothing to the child about himself. Learn to express anger without doing damage. Even if provoked, do not insult or humiliate your children. Do not attack a child’s character, offend his personality or assault his dignity. Protect him against this by using “I” messages “I am annoyed…I am dismayed…I am angry…I am furious…” These are safer than “You are an idiot…Look at what you have done…What is the matter with you.” When we are angry, children are attentive. They listen.
HOW TO DISCIPLINE CHILDREN
Discipline is not a matter of fitting punishment to crime. It is our generosity, not accuracy that counts. When punished, a child does not say to himself: “God bless this punishing adult. To please him, I’m going to be more cooperative and helpful.” Instead, he decides to be more cautious, not more honest.
In disciplining, an ounce of prevention outweighs a pound of punishment. During dinner, Len, 10, was eating noisily with his mouth open. His father yelled: “Leave the table. You eat like a pig. Do you know what a pig is?” “Yes,” cried Len, “the son of a swine.”
This battle could have been prevented if Len’s father had said, without insulting him: “Len, that munching noise is most unpleasant to me.”
What if you lose your temper and hit a child? We all do sometimes. “Sometimes I get so furious with my son I feel like murder.” One woman told me. “When my choice is between killing and smacking, I smack. When I calm down I tell him, ‘I am only human. I can take that much and not more. I hit you. But it’s against my values. When I am pushed beyond the brink of my endurance, I do things I don’t like. So don’t push me.”
In disciplining, adults can demonstrate civilized ways of dealing with hostile feelings. A father, who was about to lose his temper and smack his son, said: “That’s it. I see words won’t work. I’m going to hit you. So run for your life.” The boy disappeared. Fifteen minutes later, the boy asked, “Is it safe to come back?” “Yes,” said the father. “My anger has subsided. Now we can talk again.” This father was a true disciplinarian. He found an alternative to the violence of physical punishment. He turned fear into trust.
HOW TO DEAL WITH A CHILD’S “DISHONESTY”
Avoid provoking children into defensive lying. When you know that your child failed a test, do not ask, “Did you pass your exam? Are you sure? Lying won’t help. Your teacher told us the truth.” Some parents deliberately ask such questions to see if a child will tell the truth – to “teach him honesty.” Instead, state: “Your school informed us that you failed the test. We are worried. We wonder how to be of help.” Convey to your children that there is no need to lie. You are prepared to listen to bitter as well as to pleasant truths.
Parents get enraged when a child commits a dishonest act. Out of fear they convey dishonesty or they overact. There is a better way of dealing with a child’s transgressions:
Ann, 9, was caught in a lie. She explained that she had lied to save herself embarrassment. Her mother replied: “In our family we trust each other. When truth is bent in creates distrust.” “I won’t do it again. I’m sorry,” apologized Ann. “I accept your word,” her mother answered. She asked no questions and demanded no promises. She stated family values, If Ann lied again, her mother will discuss the problem with her once more.
HOW TO INVITE COOPERATION AND TEACH RESPONISBILTY
Children resist us less when our request conveys respect and safeguard their autonomy.
A mother asked her children to clear the table. They procrastinate. She was annoyed. In the past she would yell and threaten. This time she stated facts instead of threats: “When the table is clear, dessert will appear.” A flurry of activity told her she had hit the mark.
Children respond to brief statements that are not phrased as orders. It was a cold, windy day. Todd, 9, said: “Mommy, I want to wear my cowboy jacket today.” His mother replied: “Check the thermometer. Over 40 – cowboy jacket. Under 40 winter jacket.” Todd checked the thermometer and said, “Shucks, it’s 30 degrees.” He put on his winter jacket.
Written notes often accomplish what oral comments fail to do.
One mother, tired of nagging, tried humorous ads as a method of recruitment for chores:
WANTED: Young men between ages of 10 and 12. Must be muscular, intelligent and daring. Also able to fight off wild animals and cut through dense underbrush. Applicants please line up at the corner of the dishwasher at the kitchen sink.
WANTED: Beautiful, delicate princess to help set the banquet table for the royal feast. All applicants must bring written proof of royalty and must pass the usual pea-under-the-mattress test.
The signs brought laugher. What pleased the mother was the children’s attitude. They assumed responsibility without resentment.
HOW TO PREVENT BEDLAM AT BEDTIME
Bedtime for school children should be generously flexible. A mother can say, “Bedtime is between 8 and 10. You decide exactly when you feel ready for sleep.” Children then learn to respond to their sleep needs, which vary from day to day. The decision on when to go to sleep becomes the child’s responsibility, an autonomous act, not one of pleasing or defying parents.
Children try to stay up late because parents want them bedded down early. When given the right to choose, even children sometimes feel free to go to sleep early.
Bedtime can be conversation time with each child. Children then look forward to bedtime. It gives them an opportunity to share their fears, hopes and wishes.
What about a child who keeps calling his mother or father back to his room? This is how one mother reacted: “I know you wish I could be with you longer, but now is my time to be with Daddy.”
HOW TO TEACH A CHILD RESPONSIBILITY FOR HOMEWORK
Homework is the responsibility of the child and his teacher. When parents take over they enter a trap. Homework may become a child’s weapon to punish, exploit and worry his parents. We can state clearly “Homework is for you” what work is for us – a personal responsibility.
Homework gives the child an opportunity to work on his own. A parent who reminds and nags cancels the principal benefit of homework. The best help a parent can give is indirect: a suitable desk, good lighting, reference books and no interruptions. Occasionally parents may clarify a point or listen to something memorized. Or if the child is really stuck and asks for help, the parent is there to give it. Too much help implies: On your own you are helpless.
When a child complains about homework it is best to listen attentively and acknowledge sympathetically.
Scott, 10, had a lot of homework. He became angry. “I hate my teacher,” he yelled. “I’m not going to do the homework.”
“You have a tremendous amount of work,” his mother acknowledged and said nothing more. This recognition of his problem diminished his anger. Two hours later, Scott had finished his assignment.
A letter of complaint arrived from school. Arnold, 10, was behind in his assignments. His father’s first impulse was to rebuke him; to say “Look here, Arnie, from now on you are going to do your homework everyday, including weekends and holidays. No movies and no TV.” This speech had been delivered many times before. It always resulted in an angry atmosphere.
This time the father appealed to his son’s pride. In a private conference he showed Arnold the teacher’s letter and said: “Son, we expect scholarship from you. The world needs capable people. Many problems are still waiting for solutions.” Arnold was impressed by his father’s serious concern.
WHEN TEACHER AND CHILD CLASH, WHAT IS A PARENT TO DO?
Avoid taking sides; focus on solving the problem. Acknowledge feelings and offer token help. Henry, 10 (agitated): “I threw a ball and it hit my teacher. She gave me a crazy punishment to write one hundred times, ‘I will not fool around in class.’ What are you going to do about it, Mom?”
Mother: “I need time to think.” Henry returned to his room, choking with tears. Mother thought: “This punishment is upsetting my son. How can I help? I must show concern but not attack the teacher.” She went to his room.
Henry: “I’m not going to write this crazy sentence. I felt terrible when I hit her. She didn’t even give me a chance to apologize.”
Mother: “I can see how bad you feel. Have you thought of writing her a note?” With his mother’s help, Henry wrote: “Dear Teacher: If I wrote “I will not fool around in class” a million times I could not be sorrier than when I hit you. Right then I promised myself never to do it again. Now I am promising you. Sincerely, Henry.”
The mother added her signature to show that she knew of the incident, and said to herself: “Should the teacher insist on his writing that sentence 100 times, I’ll talk to the principal.”
HOW TO BENEFIT FROM A CONFERENCE WITH YOUR CHILD’S TEACHERS
Come to the conference prepared to take notes. Teachers are more accurate when their report is recorded. If the teacher objects, say, “I want to share your words with my child. This helps me remember.” If the teacher focuses mainly on your child’s personality traits or past misdeeds, say, “This is not helpful. Tell me specifically what needs improvement.”
The teacher told Kevin’s mother, “Kevin is irresponsible. He is late to school; he doesn’t do his homework; his notebooks are messy, and he fights continuously.” The mother started to write, reading aloud. “Kevin needs improvement in coming to school on time, doing his homework, keeping his notebooks neat, and learning to settle arguments with words.”
When his mother returned home, Kevin asked, “What did the teacher say?” She handed him her notes. Kevin, who expected vocal criticism, was relieved to read directions for future improvement.